Marriage: measure of success

I was thinking, and I do that incessantly, driving on my way back from Ahmedabad, (and now some one can say, it is harmful!) after attending a sumptuous (I could have used any of its synonyms to describe the event, and I would have still been right) marriage of a child of extended family.

As it is normal my thoughts revolve around recent incidences, experiences, events and my behaviour during those incidences, experiences and events. And the topic under contemplation during this journey was marriage and all the words associated with the same. I was feeling like that child in the film “Tare Zamin per”, dyslexia affected one, who finds words flying before his eyes. The word map looked like the picture below.

The font size and the colour of the words in the cloud are not my selection. The online application has done it. I believe each one of these and others which I may not have been able to think are equally relevant and important for success of marriage.

I was not thinking of event just attended, I was thinking about other tragedies and failures of marriages, I came to know in recent past. That led me to think about what is marriage, which are the indicators of success in a marriage, how well, if at all, do we prepare our children for the life in marriage, how do we as elders behave which result in success or failure of our child’s marriage…

True to my strengths, I looked for studied answers to my questions, available in public domain. I have read and digested the content and will include only those with which I concur. I have provided source also and would strongly suggest exploring and studying these and similar authentic websites for long term future gains. The narrative is specifically aimed at my younger ones whom I immensely love and would wish most successful marriages. I believe these are not theories, these are words of wisdom from learned specialists.

I agree with the definition of marriage: “Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is often cut short by divorce.”

(Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage)

Reading through a paper on what marriage is and what it is not, I liked the following:

Marriage is not:

• about getting what you want all the time. It’s not a dictatorship. It’s not wanting to win all the time because that would mean the other person would lose all the time.
• rocket science. The principles it’s based on are really pretty simple. Kindness. Respect. Loyalty.
• for the impatient. Some of the best stuff takes a while to develop. You have to stick around to find that out.
• a 24-hour repair shop. Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of yourself. Through your friendships or other activities.
• without conflict. Knowing how to disagree and work through anger and disappointment is probably the key to lots of stuff going well.

Marriage is:

• the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational.
• knowing someone has your back. Always. You have theirs. It’s about interdependence.
• wishing you were the one having the operation. Or the illness. Not him/ her.
• sometimes fighting. Trying to slowly learn to fight more fairly. To apologize. To listen. To learn. To find resolution.
• about vulnerability. Giving someone the right to hurt or disappoint you. While simultaneously giving that someone the opportunity to bring you tremendous joy and laughter.

(Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-margaret-rutherford/marriage-lessons_b_5886790.html )

I was looking for indicators which will help us predict the marriage will be eternal. In other words what couples do which help them sustain the marriage till death doth them apart? There are some interesting observations and I thought of citing some, which I believe will motivate younger ones to explore further and help them achieve happiness in marriage. And here are those:

• Professor of Psychology Susan Krauss Whitbourne told Psychology Today, “if you and your partner seek out and engage in new activities together, you will likely stay together for the long haul.”
• Relationship expert Terri Orbuch told The Huffington Post, it isn't about never fighting, "a good relationship is one where the two of you fight fair."
• Nathaniel Lambert told Women's Health magazine that a foundation of mutual gratitude and generosity was a major sign of strong, healthy relationships. Just remember that acts of kindness go both ways and reciprocity is always appreciated.

I am providing link for all the young couples to explore and understand. I have decided to study anyway. Before that here are “Five Truths About Marriage All Couples Need to Understand”.

1. Your spouse is not perfect. So what? Great marriages are not made by having the perfect spouse. If that were the case, there would be no great marriages. Instead, great marriages are made when each looks for the good in the other, and when there is mutual support, forgiveness, and respect. No one finds the perfect spouse. We all have our shortcomings. Dwelling on the imperfections of your spouse poisons the relationship. Learn to let the little things go. If you must focus on something, choose to focus on the good qualities of your husband or wife.
2. Your spouse cannot make your life complete. If you enter marriage believing that this wonderful person you have married will be your best friend, counsellor, motivational coach, substitute father/mother figure, etc., you will be disappointed. Resentment will eventually take root. When it does, great unhappiness is not far behind. Instead of insisting that your spouse fill all of these functions, rely on friends, family, and yourself. By reaching out in this way you live a fuller life and have a happier marriage.
3. As is true in life more generally, you get out of your marriage what you put into it. If you invest time/thought/energy into growing a stronger and healthier relationship, you are likely to be rewarded with a terrific relationship. That is not a guarantee, but a principle (just the same as if you exercise and eat right you are likely to be healthier and live longer than if you never exercise or eat properly).
4. Marriage is somewhat like an investment account. The more you put into building a strong connection with your spouse (showing kindness, support, affection, and respect), the more the emotional bank account grows. Then, when you really miss the mark (forget about an anniversary, or impulsively purchase that must have item without your spouse’s approval), there will be sufficient ‘emotional funds’ to cover the loss your relationship sustains.
5. Love is a verb, not a noun. Most people report that one of the important reasons they chose to get married was that they were ‘in love’ with their spouse. They had deep feelings of admiration and affection for each other. Feelings, however, will wax and wane. There will be times in a marriage when these feelings are very weak, or altogether missing. Some men and women, faced with these weakened feelings, will then ask “Why should I stay married if I don’t love my husband/wife any longer?” Recognize instead that love involves more than feelings. That at its heart love is a commitment to do what is best for another, and that this commitment then needs to be expressed in daily actions that are supportive, affirming and respectful.

(Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage )

The purpose of this message is more for educating me to ensure my marriage is successful. I will be happy if younger ones can pick up some clues and make theirs happier and successful.

About what should elders do to support younger ones have successful marriages, let me search some words of wisdom.

Comments are welcome, as always.

“आता विसव्याचे क्षण”.(It is Time to Rest)

Getting up early, as is normal, provides time to think. This is more true when we are only two people at home. 

Such thinking is clouded by recent happenings of course. Only good with me is, I am normally thinking positive and constructive. Now, do not take me to be one who is in perpetual state of blowing his own trumpet. But it is good to do occasionally.

Today’s thoughts revolved around psychology of old age and psychological needs of such “old” people. I wonder if I may be included in that age group.

And as usual, I found there is a specialised branch of study. Psychology of old age is called “Geropsychology” and the branch of study “Gerontology”. Impressed by the findings? Then read on.

Psychology of "Aged" gets affected by:

• Failing Mental capacity,
• Failing Physical health,
• Issues related with Financial stability,
• Challenges of Emotional stability,
• Feelings of insecurity.

Whereas physical, financial and mental challenges are very evident and can be easily understood, the emotional aspect is one which younger ones/ care givers may not be able to pay attention to. Such feelings, mainly related to feeling of insecurity, get manifested in behaviours which are difficult to fathom. 

Commonly observed behaviour may include:

• Worrying about everything, at times not acknowledging that they, the aged, can not control the situations they are in;
• Frequently changing residence;
• Seeking information about things repeatedly;
• Sabotaging relationships for no evident reasons;
• Constantly feeling that others around are talking bad about them;
• Wondering if they offended anyone or made someone angry;
• Clinging to some one whom they consider trustworthy;
• Trying to impress people around them to ensure they are valued, but feeling like an imposter inside;
• Afraid of being left alone;
• Showing jealousy for relationship of people around, with others;
• Over-reactions to situations; etc.

Some recent instances and my responses made me wonder if I was demonstrating any or all these behaviours, and that I am old. I do realise I am demonstrating one behaviour (in bold) of those listed above. The knowledge of such demonstrated behaviour does help me remain emotionally stable.

This introspection leads me to conclude that need for me to be valued is the one I should get over quickly, if I do not want to be an emotional wreck. And I need to think about how to overcome that need.

“Sthitapragnya” is the state "Aged" should achieve. And 54^th verse of Chapter 2 of Bhagwat Geeta has suggested:

यदा संहरते चायं कूर्मोऽङ्गानीव सर्वश: |
इन्द्रियाणीन्द्रियार्थेभ्यस्तस्य प्रज्ञा प्रतिष्ठिता ||

This means:

"One who is able to withdraw the senses from their objects, just as a tortoise withdraws its limbs into its shell, is established in divine wisdom."

Can I be that Tortoise? Is the question. 

And how can others around me help in my reaching that state is the question for all care givers. I do hope people around me will understand me and help me achieve that state.

And as providence wanted to provide me with simpler answer, I received this soulful rendering by Lata Mangeshkar “आता विसव्याचे क्षण”.

https://youtu.be/H4-TtMhOJyg

The pathos rubbed in royally.

Harmony: my true motivator

I alluded to a Gallup tool named “StrengthsFinder 2.0”, which is used to help one realize what are those talent themes which she/he uses more frequently and are seen as her/ his areas of strengths, in one of my missives some time back. I was trying to relate one of the top five themes identified by StregthsFinder 2.0 with my genes.

Gallup psychologists say these talents are innate and do not vary over a period of time. One may use them with varying frequency though. And this later part is my addition.

The report provided by Gallup in 2014 mentioned:

“Your Top 5 Themes

Learner

Achiever

Harmony

Input

Responsibility”

Whereas I could readily accept others, I hesitated in accepting “Harmony” as my talent and hence strength. Psychologist who counselled me tried to convince me that Harmony was a talent and that in some groups I was being seen as one trying to maintain harmony. I remember, I had agreed reluctantly.

The detailed report provided following explanation in relation to subject theme, and I quote:

“Harmony

Shared Theme Description

People who are especially talented in the Harmony theme look for consensus. They don’t enjoy conflict; rather, they seek areas of agreement.

Your Personalized Strengths Insights

What makes you stand out?

Chances are good that you periodically rely on the expertise of others to identify the proper solution, decision, or manoeuvre. Perhaps you feel a bit more sure of yourself when a specialist approves your plan before you start something. Once in a while, you hope one of them says, “You have made the best possible choice.” To some extent, you may trust them to be more knowledgeable than you are in certain situations. Instinctively, you may get people to like you by finding something everyone can agree on. Perhaps this is one way you reduce conflict between yourself and others. It’s very likely that you help keep the peace on your team by doing your share of each day’s assignments. You generally perform your tasks so no one in the group has to do chores you overlooked, ignored, or forgot. Because of your strengths, you perform today’s tasks and meet today’s challenges today. Because you refrain from putting things off, your own and others’ lives automatically become easier. No time, energy, or brainpower is wasted quarrelling, fussing, fuming, or blaming. By doing what is practical and feasible right now, you probably create a sense of calm and a spirit of cooperation within individuals or groups. Driven by your talents, you characteristically look for practical explanations to inform your thinking. Armed with this information, you can treat people, groups, programs, or budgets equally.”

I have been observing my behaviour in various groups and have been mindful of what other members have been conveying to me through multiple languages. Whereas I have, since that report, been more and more convinced that “Harmony” is my motivator and my behaviour is caused largely by that motivator, I have not found confirmation of that conclusion in the messages conveyed by many in my various social groups. And that has been my concern.

Time and again the self doubt about my talent of “Harmony” has come to fore and I have felt like going to that counsellor to help me out with most appropriate approach. But that Adult ego, has held me back.

The talent theme under question has been challenged more often in recent past and has again shaken me up. I find myself in such a storm which is not visible and is not touching most around me. I believe, I have failed miserably in retaining the image of being one who promotes “Harmony”.

I have not lost hopes though and have faith in my talent. I will overcome.

Gallup has provided some ideas for action, among many others and I quote:

“Ideas for Action:

• When two people are arguing, ask others in the group to share their thoughts. By increasing the number of voices in the conversation, you are more likely to find areas where all parties can agree. You can draw people together.
• Practice your techniques for resolving conflict without confrontation. Without these polished techniques, you might find yourself simply running away from conflicts, leaving them unresolved. This could lead you to passive-aggressive behavior.
• Be aware that your attempts to create harmony by allowing everyone a turn to speak might actually create disharmony in some people. Individuals with exceptional Achiever talents, for example, may be anxious to make a decision and take action. Learn to briefly yet effectively communicate the value of listening.
• Deference comes naturally for you. You easily step aside when someone with superior expertise enters. Take the next step by inviting those with greater expertise to consult.”

Let me try out. I will appreciate help in any way to help me practice my talent theme of “Harmony”.

Emotions, Feelings and Moods

I will be getting into my 73rd year, and as usual, was introspecting on an aspect which has always intrigued me.

I have observed, i can not express nor demonstrate certain emotions in specific settings. Like i have not been able to call my children, including nephews and nieces, as "Dikra", "Beta", "Child", "Sweetheart", "Love". All words signifying a whole lot of emotions which remain within me. I would not have cursed my self so much, had i been able to demonstrate these emotions by a "Hug", a "Peck", a "Kiss". It is not that i feel bad about my children having missed. I feel bad that i have missed. Surprising part is i can express and demonstrate the same emotions for all other children in my circle of influence.

I have also observed, appreciating immediate family members, including  immediate colleagues, for their achievements, good deeds, artistic performances, professional successes, is very difficult for me to express or demonstrate, though i may have felt that emotion and pleasure.

Is it too late now to undo? I wonder. Or my immediate kiths and kins have accepted me as i am and appreciate my predicaments and shortcomings obviating need to undo! I sincerely wish, they have understood me and have pardoned me. May be next time we meet. I will be always elder and a generation ahead. I promise, i will make good all the dues.

Today morning, starting from these emotions, my area of enquiry was what causes different emotions, facilitates or hinders expression and converts or thwarts converting, them into observable behavior and could i have overcome my shortcomings? I remembered an incidence.

I have had privilege to have access to expert  psychologists and psychotherapists. Once i was with couple of these experts and i remember to have asked them how emotions like love, hate, fear, etc are caused and if these are functions of physiological or biochemical activities within or products of any cognitive faculties. I was specific about change in emotions taking place over period of time and due to varying physical proximities. Hate getting converted to Love. Mistrust getting converted to Trust. And with this knowledge can we change our emotions and ways of expression.

They did mention there are studies and theories on these topics. I wished i could have explored those to enable me change myself. I would have got benefit of being a better person for 10 years now.

Today, i looked for information on "Emotions and Hormones" hypothesising that there is positive correlation between presence of specific hormones and feeling of specific emotions.

I came across this Wiki page:
https://en.wikiversity.org/wiki/Motivation_and_emotion/Book/2017/Hormones_and_emotion.

The page some how learnt my predicaments and had answers to many. Though this is a wiki page and not the ultimate knowledge on the subject, for a layman like me it was good beginning. The Plutchik's wheel of emotions is worth studying:


I intend to study this further, from multiple  perspectives, including linking emotions to motives and understanding and correcting behavior. Any co-traveller on that journey, is welcome and so are your comments.

An Immigrant's Flight of Identity

For some time I was feeling that I will miss him. Last night we saw him and his mother, one of my two off-springs, off at the air port traveling to country of their present residence.

Perhaps it was too late in the night to start missing him. Airlines know weakness of men of some clans who otherwise appear and are mostly recognized as new age Hitlers, and time the departure of flights at ungodly hours so that such autocrats can hide their feelings successfully.

On way back home in the morning, I started sharing status and forwarded a picture to those very close to me. This was the picture.

The youngest of my siblings, an individual known for his ability to give no-nonsense, matter of fact, candid advice, regarded as a competent physician, a poet at heart with tremendous command over written and spoken english, a voracious reader, reacted thus:

Quote

I for want of better expressions shall call this “ An immigrant’s flight of identity!”.

The lyrical story of a young immigrant boy, trapped in unbelonging after his family leave their native Italy for the gloomy and forlorn hills of Wales. His hollowing loneliness spills from the account below !

The hollowness to come alive and rebreathe is a challenge which in a foreign land is pretty much insurmountable!

“ It rained and rained and rained.

Little houses huddled on the humpbacked hills.

Chimneys smoked and metal towers clanked.

The streets smelled of mutton soup and coal dust.

And no one spoke my language.

All of it told me This is not where you belong.”

Throughout the story, we see the boy’s family — his mother, his infant sister — only as a ghostly and fragmentary presence, further contouring his all-consuming sense of isolation. Dislocated and desolate, magnetized by nostalgia, he finds solace in the improbable friendship of his elderly neighbor — a retired coal miner who spends his days caring for and training racing pigeons.

Just one thing reminded me of home — of sunlight, fountains, and the vanilla smell of ice cream in my nonna’s gelateria.

It was Mr. Evans’s pigeons in their loft behind his house, cooing as if they strutted in St. Peter’s Square in Rome.

Every day, the boy visited Mr. Evans and watched his pigeons soar “above the chimneys and the towers, up to where the sky stretched all the way to Italy.” One day, Mr. Evans put a grey pigeon with a head “whiter than a splash of milk” into his young friend’s hands — a pigeon he believed was going to be a champion, one whose “eye blazed with fire.” He asked the boy to name the bird. "Re del Cielo", the boy replied in an instant — "King of the Sky".

The boy began accompanying Mr. Evans on train trips, releasing the pigeons at various stations along the line to let them race back home, taking them a little farther each time. Each time, boy and man returned to the loft, eating Mrs. Evans’s Welsh cakes as they awaited the pigeons’ steadfast return.

 

It never took them long. From places far away, places that they’d never been, the pigeons flew home straight and fast as arrows. But the pigeon with the milk-white head was always last.

Still Mr. Evans said he’d be a winner.

Aged and frail, Mr. Evans grew weaker by the day. By racing season, unable to leave his bed, he entrusted his young friend with putting the race rings on the birds, taking them to the train station, and logging their return on his clipboard.

The pigeons’ winnings rake in, but none for King of the Sky. Still, Mr. Evans asserts with unfaltering confidence that the white-headed bird is destined for victory — if only they can find the right race for him. “He’s got the wings for distance,” he tells the boy.

One day, the perfect race for "King of the Sky" emerged — the bird would go all the way to the boy’s native Rome by train, then race more than a thousand miles back to the humble Welsh loft.

As the race commenced and "King of the Sky" started making his way back from Italy, rain and lightning enveloped the land. For two days and nights, the boy awaited his champion’s return, but the pigeon was nowhere to be seen.

“I sat beside my friend’s bed, and told him that perhaps the sunlight and the fountains and the vanilla smell of ice cream from a thousand gelaterie had made our pigeon want to stay.”

“No!” said Mr. Evans. “That will only tell him… This is not where you belong.” 

At last, the downpour ended and the boy ran outside to squint at the sky, into the clouds of fragile hope. And there it was — “a speck… a blob… a bird.” His "King of the Sky" — a soaring alter ego for the displaced boy trying to make a home in a new land, trying to fathom the depth and meaning of belonging. 

Twelve hundred miles he’d flown, from somewhere far away he’d never been. Steered north and west, finding his direction from the sun and the force that guides a compass needle. Flown until he saw the shape of humpbacked hills, the lines of little houses and the chimneys, heard the clanking towers, smelled the soup and coal dust.

Flown down into the arms of the smiling, crying boy — the boy who knew at last that he was home.

Unquote

I could relate with the emotions, having seen my boy from such close quarters. Having read the boy inside out. I tried to develop his character sketch, purely from the point of view of helping him develop those characteristics which will make him pure human being. He is no less today.

He has been a reluctant immigrant. Even after two years, he lures to be where his heart is, back to home country. Not that he is a dashing, fearless individual. He comes out as a docile, introvert and body language shows, at first sight, lack of confidence. He can not fight for his rights. He has a small select group of friends including from among cousins. He is not heard normally, except in company with those few, even when he is crying. He weeps and does not cry, when he is uncomfortable. Discomfort could have been caused by physical disorder or emotional, specifically fear of parting, fear of impending shouts. He is extremely cautious. Dreads uncertainties.

He is owner of a gold of a heart. His new school recognized his character in the first six month of his joining and has confirmed again in the second year. He is presented with School Stars for being "Respecting, Responsible and Caring". 

He melts at the site of others suffering. He can not stand me or his grandfather ill treating coolies on railway station or parking lot attendants. He would share his portion of Prasad with rickshaw driver. He would leave his belongings for the boy living in the outhouse of a neighbour. He would befriend someone who had been admitted to his school class recently and has no friend. He is good at math (and he is particular about how it is pronounced). He does not need to be goaded for learning. Appears to have inherited "Learner" as a strength. He has liking for reading books. He would rather buy books from all the cash received from elders while on visit.

He will take on responsibility of getting his grandmother's tablet repaired. He would ensure battery of an old camera lying in his maternal home is replaced. He would insist all antique pieces lying in the house are preserved and volunteers to take care of ancestral properties in future.

He needs help on two counts. 

1. Overcome his apparent deficiencies, build confidence and self belief. 

2. Perfect the abnormal characteristics of being human. 

I could make some suggestions for improving body language to demonstrate confidence. But that is not adequate. We need to support him so that he is noticed, heard, believed and followed. All suggestions from psychologists in my circle of resources are welcome and will be appreciated.

On his day of departure, he was briefly sitting by my side and I asked him if he can listen to some heavy stuff. He was a game. I mentioned to him that "Caring" is recognized as a quality he possesses, by the school. He can be caring on three counts. Taking Physical Care, Emotional Care and Financial care. In each area unless he becomes stronger, he can not take care of others. To the extent necessary, he need to be selfish in spending time to develop strengths so that he can be more caring. 

I hope he understood. He is all of 10 years old.

 

Parental responsibilities

I had thought of writing under this caption a while back. I did have some purpose, mainly for new parents in the family.

Before i could pen my dilemmas, I have found another reason.

Since my return from annual business review meeting at a snobbishly high priced resort, after all the praises and adulation each one showered on the other and celebrations for a good year gone by, i should have been feeling happy and elated. On the contrary, i had that feeling of fatigue and unhappiness.

As i brood and dissect my behavior, my "values", my expectations to arrive at the cause of such negative feelings, my dilemma is, am I over stretching "Parental Responsibilities" in organizational context Or as parent in an organization, management has the responsibilities to define "virtues" and "vices" for guiding conduct of members of the organization.

I also wonder, am i trying to be a "moral police"? I wonder who am i to set standards of personal behavior in an organizational set up? I try to rationalize by looking for linkages of personal behavior with business benefits or otherwise.

It is astonishing how a couple of sentences during discussion on a totally different topic, and fleeting glance can, lead one to spend hours thinking and introspecting one's own behavior and analyzing other's motives.

I come from that old school, i have to be considering my age, where code of personal conducts related with eating and drinking were strictly defined. Some rules were community based, like we "Nagars" do not smoke (but chew) tobacco. Others were legally prescribed like consuming spirits has been illegal, without permit, in our state.

I have been holding female of the society in high regards, since they were and to a large extent are more disciplined, when it comes to following customs and codes. My definition of "virtues" and "vices" are liberalized greatly over the period, but i still feel extremely sad when i find young boys and more when i see young girls indulging in such non-standard behavior like smoking and drinking. Not because they are ladies but more because they are too young and impressionable. I can not change them and hence have only one liberty, of being unhappy.

Let me narrate the incidence and then seek advice. We were discussing a matter affecting the team and the decision makers had to huddle away from the team. We, the decision makers, retired to a small stand, marked "Smoking Zone". There was also sign of "Silent Zone". I wondered why smokers need silence? I pointed out to the group that we were at a wrong place, since none of us smoke. And then the small talk drifted to who did and a couple of boys were named. I started feeling the pang. And suddenly it shot up when the mention was "some more also do". Obvious pointer was to some of the female of the team. And that put me off. How can my children (and i assumed the parenthood in organizational set up) behave in the manner described? There was no naming and we concluded business on hand.

After a while when i was passing the same spot, i glanced in that direction and saw one of the boy in the stand very visible. To my dreaded unhappiness i spotted a couple of young ladies conspicuous by trying to hide themselves. That was the moment, i lost all interest in the meeting. I excused myself early and took leave of the host from not joining the party.

I still carry that bitter taste of unhappiness. I only hope, i do not show my discontent in my behavior in office.

What am i doing? Is this an incidence worth noticing? Who am i to prescribe "Vices" and "Virtues"? Can such habits be detrimental to the business interest?

I will overcome, for sure the period of unhappiness, since i strongly believe no one else can make me unhappy.