Social Distancing!!!

Pandemic has done the damage, I feel. Or is it done by mankind, us, unintentionally?

To avoid infection distance required was physical, and we were told to create social distance. And we have done it. We are advised to consider each one trying to come close to you "a potential killer" to create that distance. Some have practiced to negligible effect, more compliant and afraid of virus have achieved greater distance. 

These days, or months now, life is "set" as the "lingo" goes. It has become so predictable that, if you know me, you can tell with confidence which chair I must be sitting on, if you are asked to tell, by looking at the clock or watch or the phone. Unfortunately no one asks you, and you get away, unscathed.

This virus has gained all the attention and importance from the day, the sole purpose of our (family members') existence, Ma, departed. To such an extent it has hurt us, that we could not pay our respect in public, we could not be together to mourn her nor even get nicely framed picture of her in our homes.

For me departure of Ma, the one to whom i was answerable and hence had to report on daily basis, and "social distancing" forced by pandemic, are a double whammy!! I wonder every day in the morning, those two hours we are fixated in rocking chairs, who do i talk to today? Some of you may know, i love talking, to some people. Ma was one to whom, when she was not at her Aadhar card address, i would talk to practically every morning, without any reason. She is not there now.

There are others to whom i would call up regularly, but they are distanced socially, for easons, i can not fathom. There are still some, who are mine and so much committed to me, i perhaps take them for granted and do not count them as those who are "not distanced". But the times have certainly changed, social and political distancing is changing the definition of society.

I was looking for answers to some social distancing related questions and i find, Social distance is the "measure of nearness or intimacy that an individual or a group feels towards another individual or group in a societal network or the level of trust one group has for another".

I was trying to get to the root of causes responsible for my feelings of being excluded and distanced. And hence looked for dimensions by which social distance is measured. I find there are four dimensions. Affections, Norms, Frequency of Interactions and Culture/ Habits.

Affective social distance measures the sympathy members of the group feel for other members and for other groups. Normative social distance refers to widely accepted and often expressed norms for considering some as insiders and others as outsiders. Interactive social distance measures frequency and intensity of interaction within and between groups. Cultural and habitual social distance is largely based on economic and financial disparity.

Distance i was feeling from those whom i would like to remain close must have been caused by disturbance in one or more of the dimensions, logically. I need to introspect and see which dimension i have mishandled.

I have another option. Fundamental Interpersonal Relations Orientation (FIRO) has a scale version B for behaviour, which measures how one feels when in a group when it comes to inclusion, control and affection/ openness or to be able to get feedback from people in a group.

I know i would like to be included in some groups. I know i would like to include some people in a group i am in. I know i would like to seek control over a group of my choice. I know i would be controlled by a group of chosen one. I know i like some people and i am liked by some. The disturbance must have taken place in these equations, i am sure.

Let me take FIRO-B and get the report, to feel better in these challenging times. I am fortunate to have Psychologists of some standing in the group i would like to be included in but not control. I have taken the test and am waiting for the report. I will analyse the same as soon as received and try to find ways and means to feel better, even if not included.

Political polarisation and its effect on Social Groups

I have been observing the interactions among members of the social groups, where i am a part of. This is a continuous process and I believe all of us subconsciously do and judge others on parameters we have decided for evaluation. 

I  try to observe, more than any other's interactions with me, my interactions with others. By now, most of you who have been observant, must have noted that this is my OCD. And I consciously think about events taking place around me, with the objectives of maintaining and strengthening harmony in the groups where I am a member of and mend my behaviour to achieve peace. This is purely because I am selfish and prefer to live in peaceful surroundings.

For some time, I have observed and experienced loss of harmony and peace in my immediate surroundings. 

That when members of social groups are face to face, opportunities do present themselves to express differing views, and depending on strength of personalities, arguments may achieve higher decibels. The technological advances have made things worse by facilitating intra-group interactions and communication, by permitting virtual gatherings. The opportunities of arguments resulting out of differing views are in abundance. It has further made such interactions resulting in catastrophic fall outs by hiding non-verbal communication.

I was trying to list out causes for differing views and realised that one of the critical areas for difference of opinion is Political scenario. Members of the social groups have developed strong views on the issue, thanks to propaganda on social media, highly partisan electronic and print media and own interests. Confirmation bias has added fuel to fire, since each one of us looks for information in all media which justifies our stand.

This led me to search for details related with Political Polarization and its effect on Social Groups. A Wiki page on the subject of "Political Polarization" defines Polarization as under:

"According to DiMaggio et al. (1996), "Polarization is both a state and a process. Polarization as a state refers to the extent to which opinions on an issue are opposed in relation to some theoretical maximum. Polarization as a process refers to the increase in such opposition over time." Polarization can be benign, natural, and democratizing, or it can be pernicious, having long term malignant effects on society and congesting essential democratic functions."

Wiki page further explains types of polarization as Elite, Mass, and Pernicious polarization. It states “Elite polarization refers to polarization between the party-in-government and the party-in-opposition” and “Mass polarization, or popular polarization, is stated to be occurring when an electorate's attitudes towards political issues, policies, and celebrated figures are neatly divided along party lines. At the extreme, each camp questions the moral legitimacy of the other, viewing the opposing camp and its policies as an existential threat to their way of life or the nation as a whole”.

The most dangerous variety in my perception is Pernicious Polarization. Wiki page goes on to describe that phenomenon as “In political science, Pernicious polarization occurs when a single political cleavage overrides other divides and commonalities to the point it has boiled into a single divide which becomes entrenched and self-reinforcing. Unlike most types of polarization, pernicious polarization does not need to be ideological. Rather, pernicious polarization operates on a single political cleavage, which can be partisan identity, religious vs secular, globalist vs nationalist, urban vs rural, etc. This political divide creates an explosion of mutual group distrust which hardens between the two political parties (or coalitions) and spreads beyond the political sphere into societal relations. People begin to perceive politics as "us" vs "them."”

And this is what is causing me most discomfort. I have observed, such discussions becoming so acrimonious that at times they result into break down of communication and estrangement of relations. Members of the social group demonstrating love and affection today, may be found to be with broken relationship, because of arguments over such unworthy causes, tomorrow.

I found that those who are arguing are intelligent and can defend their commitment successfully. Are we wise, to take the arguments to breaking point, was the question. What is the difference between “Intelligence” and “Wisdom” was a topic of next search and I came across this explanation:

• “Intelligence leads to arguments. Wisdom leads to settlements.
• Intelligence is heat, it burns. Wisdom is warmth, it comforts.
• Intelligence is pursuit of knowledge; it tires the seeker. Wisdom is pursuit of truth; it inspires the seeker.
• Intelligence is holding on. Wisdom is letting go.
• An intelligent man thinks he knows everything. A wise man knows that there is still something to learn.
• An intelligent man always tries to prove his point. A wise man knows there really is no point.
• An intelligent man speaks when he has to say something. A wise man speaks when he has something to say.
• An intelligent man preaches. A wise man reaches.
• Intelligence is good but wisdom achieves better results."

Let me be Wise.

I received another gem of an advice, which makes most sense for social groups and it says:

“Ships don’t sink because of the water around them; it sinks because of water that gets in them. Don’t let what’s happening around you get inside you and weigh you down.”

Amen!!

Strengths (!!!), where do they come from? (Part 3)

It was dark at 6 am, unlike previous 60 days when indirect light would let me see Her face, lying at 45 degrees for almost 10 weeks, in the hospital cot, which She hated.

She would be normally awake. She hardly could sleep at night. She, i am talking about, is the, sorry, was the, source of my strengths i referred to in earlier post (https://atulmankad.blogspot.com/2015/06/strengths-where-do-they-come-from-part-2.html).

I froze for a moment in the door to Her room, and begged Her for forgiveness for all the miseries she suffered in last 2 months, which i was, unknowingly responsible to have caused. I had tried to talk to Her, when She could hear, that what ever i was doing was to make her comfortable. She, perhaps not aware of her medical conditions, did not agree with me and was convinced that Her air-travel, it self a strenuous journey and subsequent sufferings were caused by my insistence that She returns to her address in AADHAR card. I wish my conclusions are wrong and that She agreed with me and thought as such, but could not say so.

My feeling of guilt is reinforced through references leading me to conclude that She was better in all respect where She was, including quality of the medical treatment and support, nourishments, engaging surrounding etc.

Circumstances in extended family, forced us to decide and undertake travel to north Americas, travel which was otherwise under contemplation subject to Her approval. She had said that if She moved away from Her address in AADHAR Card, She will not return. I feel responsible for what happened against Her will.

I was urging Her, standing in the door, trying to see the face which now can be seen only in pictures, to review her convictions, now when She can see past, present and future, and forgive me. I believe She would. She has given me the strengths and will not fault me.

Now when i am introspecting, i am trying to recall various interactions i had during these 60 days, which give me strength to believe She did change her views and pardoned me. Every one of those 60 days i would go to Her first when i woke up, if at all i was sleeping, at 6 in the morning  lean over Her, whisper in her ears to inform "દૂધ લઇ આવું". I would go so close, my cheeks touching Hers and she would return the touch with warmth and give me approval to go.

There were instances i would intentionally rest my head on Her shoulders and she would move her now bony fingers in my hair and convey affection.

Even when She could hardly speak, She would sing with us, when we would sing old songs she would recall and even suggest some more.

I made it a point to prop up her sagging confidence by reading everyday in the morning a page out of collection of learnings, family members have written, remembering Her father and a revered stalwart of my maternal family. She appreciated this gesture and listened to what children have written, including her own recollections. She perhaps admired these efforts of mine.

All present would gather by her bedside and make her talk about decades which have gone by, and surprisingly she would recall minutest of details from events which took place in mid 20th century, including how She was married to my father.

Her dehydrated frame was main persecutor. Legs and Arms constantly ached and they needed to be mended. She would appreciate job well done and shout also if pressure was applied wrongly or at wrong place. Getting these services made her most unhappy, since for all 94 years She had never asked for such help and managed on Her own routinely faced discomforts.

It became occupation for almost 10 of us to be by Her bedside in turn, for 60 days. Now when She was given to fire and fragments of remains were immersed in holy Narmada, we are without any occupation and are looking for what to do!!

Returning in the boat after immersing the remains I was cursing myself, how can i leave Her first in fire and then down this depth of river which had gushing waters, thanks to increased discharge from the dam upstream.

I was begging even then for mercy and forgiveness from Her, as i am doing now!!

Messages of condolence and sender's views of the personality have been and are still being received. I will compile and document them in next part.

VUCA

I am not an admirer of acronyms used left, right and center, in profession I am in. And that is more true with the title. Somehow from the day I heard, and that was much later than the day it was coined, I have almost hated it.

For those who are not privy to the treasure of acronyms used by these high IQ, high EQ and all other high Qs, professionals, "VUCA is an acronym - first used in 1987, drawing on the theories of Warren Bennis and Burt Nanus - to  describe or to reflect on the Volatility, Uncertainty, Complexity and Ambiguity of general conditions and situations." (Source: Wikipedia)

VUCA as a model was conceived to help Business and Organizational Leaders to develop capabilities to manage in challenging situations. Awareness of such situations and preparedness to face them, is used to enable Leaders in developing appropriate responses relating to decisions they make, plans they put in place, manage risks, manage change and solve problems. The expertise developed can shape organizations, capacity to:

1. Anticipate issues;
2. Understand consequences;
3. Appreciate maze of variable;
4. Prepare for alternative realities and challenges; and
5. Interpret and address opportunities.

I was not looking for advices in managing business challenges. I was evaluating situations which have developed in my life, recently.

I was trying to find solutions and responses to challenges having suddenly arisen, like loss of a dear one resulting emotional trauma to family and handling situation and bring semblance of normalcy, unexpected turn of physical health challenges faced by an extended family member leading to disruption of plans due to uncertainties looming in the air, fury of nature disrupting normal life, communication and movement, my own innate feelings of being responsible for well being of family members in such situations, etc.

Does this not mean individuals also need to be aware and prepared for such VUCA in normal personal, family and social life? Can there be a program for developing competencies and capabilities for handling VUCA in personal life?

I am looking for answers and will be grateful for help in whatever manner my wellwishers can provide.

Apathy or Over expectations!!

I normally look for information around topics, concepts, issues I come across in daily life, be it professional, social or familial. www has been a great source.

Over period of time, I seem to have developed uncanny ability to hit the most relevant page at the top of Google search. I wonder what else should I do, but seeking knowledge, wisdom, solutions!! Clifton says "Learner" in me is the issue. Some may even say I do not have any other job or work or responsibilities and that is the reason I pass time searching and surfing.

For some time now I have started sharing what I find. I feel that is my responsibility. I have created a broadcast group besides being member of a couple of professional and familial groups. Obviously these groups are ones I share my findings with. Clifton attributes this behavior to "Responsibility" talent theme, I am born with.

So far so good. I am doing what I like to do and what I am good at doing. It does not end there. At my age I should have digested Bhagwat Geeta's Chapter 2, Verse 47,

"कर्मण्येवाधिकारस्ते मा फलेषु कदाचन । मा कर्मफलहेतुर्भुर्मा ते संगोऽस्त्वकर्मणि ॥

अर्थात तेरा कर्म करने में ही अधिकार है, उसके फलों में कभी नहीं। इसलिए तू फल की दृष्टि से कर्म मत कर और न ही ऐसा सोच की फल की आशा के बिना कर्म क्यों करूं | ॥47॥"

As many say, preaching is easy. Practicing is not. I do expect outcomes or at the least acknowledgement.

I have, since the time I started sharing, observed from out of about 100 such recipients, a few and the same few, acknowledge, many of those few appreciate and some of those few discuss. But very large numbers remain unresponsive.

I wonder, have I chosen wrong cause, or wrong groups, or wrong means, or wrong times, or wrong topics?
Or is it that what I consider of interest, does not interest most?
Or do they have other more important or interesting tasks to be engaged in?

I will be worried only if apathy, lack of interest or motivation to improve and excel is the cause. And if so, I am responsible for motivating them to look at what I am sharing, since, as Rigved puts down:

"आ नो भद्रा: क्रतवो यन्तु विश्वत: |"
हमारे लि‍ए (न:) सभी ओर से (वि‍श्‍वत:) कल्‍याणकारी (भद्रा:) वि‍चार (क्रतव:) आयें (आयन्‍तु).
Let noble thoughts come to us from every side. - Rig Veda, I-89-i

Marriage: measure of success

I was thinking, and I do that incessantly, driving on my way back from Ahmedabad, (and now some one can say, it is harmful!) after attending a sumptuous (I could have used any of its synonyms to describe the event, and I would have still been right) marriage of a child of extended family.

As it is normal my thoughts revolve around recent incidences, experiences, events and my behaviour during those incidences, experiences and events. And the topic under contemplation during this journey was marriage and all the words associated with the same. I was feeling like that child in the film “Tare Zamin per”, dyslexia affected one, who finds words flying before his eyes. The word map looked like the picture below.

The font size and the colour of the words in the cloud are not my selection. The online application has done it. I believe each one of these and others which I may not have been able to think are equally relevant and important for success of marriage.

I was not thinking of event just attended, I was thinking about other tragedies and failures of marriages, I came to know in recent past. That led me to think about what is marriage, which are the indicators of success in a marriage, how well, if at all, do we prepare our children for the life in marriage, how do we as elders behave which result in success or failure of our child’s marriage…

True to my strengths, I looked for studied answers to my questions, available in public domain. I have read and digested the content and will include only those with which I concur. I have provided source also and would strongly suggest exploring and studying these and similar authentic websites for long term future gains. The narrative is specifically aimed at my younger ones whom I immensely love and would wish most successful marriages. I believe these are not theories, these are words of wisdom from learned specialists.

I agree with the definition of marriage: “Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is often cut short by divorce.”

(Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage)

Reading through a paper on what marriage is and what it is not, I liked the following:

Marriage is not:

• about getting what you want all the time. It’s not a dictatorship. It’s not wanting to win all the time because that would mean the other person would lose all the time.
• rocket science. The principles it’s based on are really pretty simple. Kindness. Respect. Loyalty.
• for the impatient. Some of the best stuff takes a while to develop. You have to stick around to find that out.
• a 24-hour repair shop. Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of yourself. Through your friendships or other activities.
• without conflict. Knowing how to disagree and work through anger and disappointment is probably the key to lots of stuff going well.

Marriage is:

• the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational.
• knowing someone has your back. Always. You have theirs. It’s about interdependence.
• wishing you were the one having the operation. Or the illness. Not him/ her.
• sometimes fighting. Trying to slowly learn to fight more fairly. To apologize. To listen. To learn. To find resolution.
• about vulnerability. Giving someone the right to hurt or disappoint you. While simultaneously giving that someone the opportunity to bring you tremendous joy and laughter.

(Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-margaret-rutherford/marriage-lessons_b_5886790.html )

I was looking for indicators which will help us predict the marriage will be eternal. In other words what couples do which help them sustain the marriage till death doth them apart? There are some interesting observations and I thought of citing some, which I believe will motivate younger ones to explore further and help them achieve happiness in marriage. And here are those:

• Professor of Psychology Susan Krauss Whitbourne told Psychology Today, “if you and your partner seek out and engage in new activities together, you will likely stay together for the long haul.”
• Relationship expert Terri Orbuch told The Huffington Post, it isn't about never fighting, "a good relationship is one where the two of you fight fair."
• Nathaniel Lambert told Women's Health magazine that a foundation of mutual gratitude and generosity was a major sign of strong, healthy relationships. Just remember that acts of kindness go both ways and reciprocity is always appreciated.

I am providing link for all the young couples to explore and understand. I have decided to study anyway. Before that here are “Five Truths About Marriage All Couples Need to Understand”.

1. Your spouse is not perfect. So what? Great marriages are not made by having the perfect spouse. If that were the case, there would be no great marriages. Instead, great marriages are made when each looks for the good in the other, and when there is mutual support, forgiveness, and respect. No one finds the perfect spouse. We all have our shortcomings. Dwelling on the imperfections of your spouse poisons the relationship. Learn to let the little things go. If you must focus on something, choose to focus on the good qualities of your husband or wife.
2. Your spouse cannot make your life complete. If you enter marriage believing that this wonderful person you have married will be your best friend, counsellor, motivational coach, substitute father/mother figure, etc., you will be disappointed. Resentment will eventually take root. When it does, great unhappiness is not far behind. Instead of insisting that your spouse fill all of these functions, rely on friends, family, and yourself. By reaching out in this way you live a fuller life and have a happier marriage.
3. As is true in life more generally, you get out of your marriage what you put into it. If you invest time/thought/energy into growing a stronger and healthier relationship, you are likely to be rewarded with a terrific relationship. That is not a guarantee, but a principle (just the same as if you exercise and eat right you are likely to be healthier and live longer than if you never exercise or eat properly).
4. Marriage is somewhat like an investment account. The more you put into building a strong connection with your spouse (showing kindness, support, affection, and respect), the more the emotional bank account grows. Then, when you really miss the mark (forget about an anniversary, or impulsively purchase that must have item without your spouse’s approval), there will be sufficient ‘emotional funds’ to cover the loss your relationship sustains.
5. Love is a verb, not a noun. Most people report that one of the important reasons they chose to get married was that they were ‘in love’ with their spouse. They had deep feelings of admiration and affection for each other. Feelings, however, will wax and wane. There will be times in a marriage when these feelings are very weak, or altogether missing. Some men and women, faced with these weakened feelings, will then ask “Why should I stay married if I don’t love my husband/wife any longer?” Recognize instead that love involves more than feelings. That at its heart love is a commitment to do what is best for another, and that this commitment then needs to be expressed in daily actions that are supportive, affirming and respectful.

(Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage )

The purpose of this message is more for educating me to ensure my marriage is successful. I will be happy if younger ones can pick up some clues and make theirs happier and successful.

About what should elders do to support younger ones have successful marriages, let me search some words of wisdom.

Comments are welcome, as always.

“आता विसव्याचे क्षण”.(It is Time to Rest)

Getting up early, as is normal, provides time to think. This is more true when we are only two people at home. 

Such thinking is clouded by recent happenings of course. Only good with me is, I am normally thinking positive and constructive. Now, do not take me to be one who is in perpetual state of blowing his own trumpet. But it is good to do occasionally.

Today’s thoughts revolved around psychology of old age and psychological needs of such “old” people. I wonder if I may be included in that age group.

And as usual, I found there is a specialised branch of study. Psychology of old age is called “Geropsychology” and the branch of study “Gerontology”. Impressed by the findings? Then read on.

Psychology of "Aged" gets affected by:

• Failing Mental capacity,
• Failing Physical health,
• Issues related with Financial stability,
• Challenges of Emotional stability,
• Feelings of insecurity.

Whereas physical, financial and mental challenges are very evident and can be easily understood, the emotional aspect is one which younger ones/ care givers may not be able to pay attention to. Such feelings, mainly related to feeling of insecurity, get manifested in behaviours which are difficult to fathom. 

Commonly observed behaviour may include:

• Worrying about everything, at times not acknowledging that they, the aged, can not control the situations they are in;
• Frequently changing residence;
• Seeking information about things repeatedly;
• Sabotaging relationships for no evident reasons;
• Constantly feeling that others around are talking bad about them;
• Wondering if they offended anyone or made someone angry;
• Clinging to some one whom they consider trustworthy;
• Trying to impress people around them to ensure they are valued, but feeling like an imposter inside;
• Afraid of being left alone;
• Showing jealousy for relationship of people around, with others;
• Over-reactions to situations; etc.

Some recent instances and my responses made me wonder if I was demonstrating any or all these behaviours, and that I am old. I do realise I am demonstrating one behaviour (in bold) of those listed above. The knowledge of such demonstrated behaviour does help me remain emotionally stable.

This introspection leads me to conclude that need for me to be valued is the one I should get over quickly, if I do not want to be an emotional wreck. And I need to think about how to overcome that need.

“Sthitapragnya” is the state "Aged" should achieve. And 54^th verse of Chapter 2 of Bhagwat Geeta has suggested:

यदा संहरते चायं कूर्मोऽङ्गानीव सर्वश: |
इन्द्रियाणीन्द्रियार्थेभ्यस्तस्य प्रज्ञा प्रतिष्ठिता ||

This means:

"One who is able to withdraw the senses from their objects, just as a tortoise withdraws its limbs into its shell, is established in divine wisdom."

Can I be that Tortoise? Is the question. 

And how can others around me help in my reaching that state is the question for all care givers. I do hope people around me will understand me and help me achieve that state.

And as providence wanted to provide me with simpler answer, I received this soulful rendering by Lata Mangeshkar “आता विसव्याचे क्षण”.

https://youtu.be/H4-TtMhOJyg

The pathos rubbed in royally.