It was dark at 6 am, unlike previous 60 days when indirect light would let me see Her face, lying at 45 degrees for almost 10 weeks, in the hospital cot, which She hated.
She would be normally awake. She hardly could sleep at night. She, i am talking about, is the, sorry, was the, source of my strengths i referred to in earlier post (https://atulmankad.blogspot.com/2015/06/strengths-where-do-they-come-from-part-2.html).
I froze for a moment in the door to Her room, and begged Her for forgiveness for all the miseries she suffered in last 2 months, which i was, unknowingly responsible to have caused. I had tried to talk to Her, when She could hear, that what ever i was doing was to make her comfortable. She, perhaps not aware of her medical conditions, did not agree with me and was convinced that Her air-travel, it self a strenuous journey and subsequent sufferings were caused by my insistence that She returns to her address in AADHAR card. I wish my conclusions are wrong and that She agreed with me and thought as such, but could not say so.
My feeling of guilt is reinforced through references leading me to conclude that She was better in all respect where She was, including quality of the medical treatment and support, nourishments, engaging surrounding etc.
Circumstances in extended family, forced us to decide and undertake travel to north Americas, travel which was otherwise under contemplation subject to Her approval. She had said that if She moved away from Her address in AADHAR Card, She will not return. I feel responsible for what happened against Her will.
I was urging Her, standing in the door, trying to see the face which now can be seen only in pictures, to review her convictions, now when She can see past, present and future, and forgive me. I believe She would. She has given me the strengths and will not fault me.
Now when i am introspecting, i am trying to recall various interactions i had during these 60 days, which give me strength to believe She did change her views and pardoned me. Every one of those 60 days i would go to Her first when i woke up, if at all i was sleeping, at 6 in the morning lean over Her, whisper in her ears to inform "દૂધ લઇ આવું". I would go so close, my cheeks touching Hers and she would return the touch with warmth and give me approval to go.
There were instances i would intentionally rest my head on Her shoulders and she would move her now bony fingers in my hair and convey affection.
Even when She could hardly speak, She would sing with us, when we would sing old songs she would recall and even suggest some more.
I made it a point to prop up her sagging confidence by reading everyday in the morning a page out of collection of learnings, family members have written, remembering Her father and a revered stalwart of my maternal family. She appreciated this gesture and listened to what children have written, including her own recollections. She perhaps admired these efforts of mine.
All present would gather by her bedside and make her talk about decades which have gone by, and surprisingly she would recall minutest of details from events which took place in mid 20th century, including how She was married to my father.
Her dehydrated frame was main persecutor. Legs and Arms constantly ached and they needed to be mended. She would appreciate job well done and shout also if pressure was applied wrongly or at wrong place. Getting these services made her most unhappy, since for all 94 years She had never asked for such help and managed on Her own routinely faced discomforts.
It became occupation for almost 10 of us to be by Her bedside in turn, for 60 days. Now when She was given to fire and fragments of remains were immersed in holy Narmada, we are without any occupation and are looking for what to do!!
Returning in the boat after immersing the remains I was cursing myself, how can i leave Her first in fire and then down this depth of river which had gushing waters, thanks to increased discharge from the dam upstream.
I was begging even then for mercy and forgiveness from Her, as i am doing now!!
Messages of condolence and sender's views of the personality have been and are still being received. I will compile and document them in next part.
She would be normally awake. She hardly could sleep at night. She, i am talking about, is the, sorry, was the, source of my strengths i referred to in earlier post (https://atulmankad.blogspot.com/2015/06/strengths-where-do-they-come-from-part-2.html).
I froze for a moment in the door to Her room, and begged Her for forgiveness for all the miseries she suffered in last 2 months, which i was, unknowingly responsible to have caused. I had tried to talk to Her, when She could hear, that what ever i was doing was to make her comfortable. She, perhaps not aware of her medical conditions, did not agree with me and was convinced that Her air-travel, it self a strenuous journey and subsequent sufferings were caused by my insistence that She returns to her address in AADHAR card. I wish my conclusions are wrong and that She agreed with me and thought as such, but could not say so.
My feeling of guilt is reinforced through references leading me to conclude that She was better in all respect where She was, including quality of the medical treatment and support, nourishments, engaging surrounding etc.
Circumstances in extended family, forced us to decide and undertake travel to north Americas, travel which was otherwise under contemplation subject to Her approval. She had said that if She moved away from Her address in AADHAR Card, She will not return. I feel responsible for what happened against Her will.
I was urging Her, standing in the door, trying to see the face which now can be seen only in pictures, to review her convictions, now when She can see past, present and future, and forgive me. I believe She would. She has given me the strengths and will not fault me.
Now when i am introspecting, i am trying to recall various interactions i had during these 60 days, which give me strength to believe She did change her views and pardoned me. Every one of those 60 days i would go to Her first when i woke up, if at all i was sleeping, at 6 in the morning lean over Her, whisper in her ears to inform "દૂધ લઇ આવું". I would go so close, my cheeks touching Hers and she would return the touch with warmth and give me approval to go.
There were instances i would intentionally rest my head on Her shoulders and she would move her now bony fingers in my hair and convey affection.
Even when She could hardly speak, She would sing with us, when we would sing old songs she would recall and even suggest some more.
I made it a point to prop up her sagging confidence by reading everyday in the morning a page out of collection of learnings, family members have written, remembering Her father and a revered stalwart of my maternal family. She appreciated this gesture and listened to what children have written, including her own recollections. She perhaps admired these efforts of mine.
All present would gather by her bedside and make her talk about decades which have gone by, and surprisingly she would recall minutest of details from events which took place in mid 20th century, including how She was married to my father.
Her dehydrated frame was main persecutor. Legs and Arms constantly ached and they needed to be mended. She would appreciate job well done and shout also if pressure was applied wrongly or at wrong place. Getting these services made her most unhappy, since for all 94 years She had never asked for such help and managed on Her own routinely faced discomforts.
It became occupation for almost 10 of us to be by Her bedside in turn, for 60 days. Now when She was given to fire and fragments of remains were immersed in holy Narmada, we are without any occupation and are looking for what to do!!
Returning in the boat after immersing the remains I was cursing myself, how can i leave Her first in fire and then down this depth of river which had gushing waters, thanks to increased discharge from the dam upstream.
I was begging even then for mercy and forgiveness from Her, as i am doing now!!
Messages of condolence and sender's views of the personality have been and are still being received. I will compile and document them in next part.
