Marriage: measure of success

I was thinking, and I do that incessantly, driving on my way back from Ahmedabad, (and now some one can say, it is harmful!) after attending a sumptuous (I could have used any of its synonyms to describe the event, and I would have still been right) marriage of a child of extended family.

As it is normal my thoughts revolve around recent incidences, experiences, events and my behaviour during those incidences, experiences and events. And the topic under contemplation during this journey was marriage and all the words associated with the same. I was feeling like that child in the film “Tare Zamin per”, dyslexia affected one, who finds words flying before his eyes. The word map looked like the picture below.

The font size and the colour of the words in the cloud are not my selection. The online application has done it. I believe each one of these and others which I may not have been able to think are equally relevant and important for success of marriage.

I was not thinking of event just attended, I was thinking about other tragedies and failures of marriages, I came to know in recent past. That led me to think about what is marriage, which are the indicators of success in a marriage, how well, if at all, do we prepare our children for the life in marriage, how do we as elders behave which result in success or failure of our child’s marriage…

True to my strengths, I looked for studied answers to my questions, available in public domain. I have read and digested the content and will include only those with which I concur. I have provided source also and would strongly suggest exploring and studying these and similar authentic websites for long term future gains. The narrative is specifically aimed at my younger ones whom I immensely love and would wish most successful marriages. I believe these are not theories, these are words of wisdom from learned specialists.

I agree with the definition of marriage: “Marriage is the process by which two people make their relationship public, official, and permanent. It is the joining of two people in a bond that putatively lasts until death, but in practice is often cut short by divorce.”

(Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage)

Reading through a paper on what marriage is and what it is not, I liked the following:

Marriage is not:

• about getting what you want all the time. It’s not a dictatorship. It’s not wanting to win all the time because that would mean the other person would lose all the time.
• rocket science. The principles it’s based on are really pretty simple. Kindness. Respect. Loyalty.
• for the impatient. Some of the best stuff takes a while to develop. You have to stick around to find that out.
• a 24-hour repair shop. Your marital partner is not supposed to meet your every need. Some of those needs you may have to take care of yourself. Through your friendships or other activities.
• without conflict. Knowing how to disagree and work through anger and disappointment is probably the key to lots of stuff going well.

Marriage is:

• the potential for an intense, deep and diverse intimacy. Sexual. Emotional. Relational.
• knowing someone has your back. Always. You have theirs. It’s about interdependence.
• wishing you were the one having the operation. Or the illness. Not him/ her.
• sometimes fighting. Trying to slowly learn to fight more fairly. To apologize. To listen. To learn. To find resolution.
• about vulnerability. Giving someone the right to hurt or disappoint you. While simultaneously giving that someone the opportunity to bring you tremendous joy and laughter.

(Source: https://www.huffingtonpost.com/dr-margaret-rutherford/marriage-lessons_b_5886790.html )

I was looking for indicators which will help us predict the marriage will be eternal. In other words what couples do which help them sustain the marriage till death doth them apart? There are some interesting observations and I thought of citing some, which I believe will motivate younger ones to explore further and help them achieve happiness in marriage. And here are those:

• Professor of Psychology Susan Krauss Whitbourne told Psychology Today, “if you and your partner seek out and engage in new activities together, you will likely stay together for the long haul.”
• Relationship expert Terri Orbuch told The Huffington Post, it isn't about never fighting, "a good relationship is one where the two of you fight fair."
• Nathaniel Lambert told Women's Health magazine that a foundation of mutual gratitude and generosity was a major sign of strong, healthy relationships. Just remember that acts of kindness go both ways and reciprocity is always appreciated.

I am providing link for all the young couples to explore and understand. I have decided to study anyway. Before that here are “Five Truths About Marriage All Couples Need to Understand”.

1. Your spouse is not perfect. So what? Great marriages are not made by having the perfect spouse. If that were the case, there would be no great marriages. Instead, great marriages are made when each looks for the good in the other, and when there is mutual support, forgiveness, and respect. No one finds the perfect spouse. We all have our shortcomings. Dwelling on the imperfections of your spouse poisons the relationship. Learn to let the little things go. If you must focus on something, choose to focus on the good qualities of your husband or wife.
2. Your spouse cannot make your life complete. If you enter marriage believing that this wonderful person you have married will be your best friend, counsellor, motivational coach, substitute father/mother figure, etc., you will be disappointed. Resentment will eventually take root. When it does, great unhappiness is not far behind. Instead of insisting that your spouse fill all of these functions, rely on friends, family, and yourself. By reaching out in this way you live a fuller life and have a happier marriage.
3. As is true in life more generally, you get out of your marriage what you put into it. If you invest time/thought/energy into growing a stronger and healthier relationship, you are likely to be rewarded with a terrific relationship. That is not a guarantee, but a principle (just the same as if you exercise and eat right you are likely to be healthier and live longer than if you never exercise or eat properly).
4. Marriage is somewhat like an investment account. The more you put into building a strong connection with your spouse (showing kindness, support, affection, and respect), the more the emotional bank account grows. Then, when you really miss the mark (forget about an anniversary, or impulsively purchase that must have item without your spouse’s approval), there will be sufficient ‘emotional funds’ to cover the loss your relationship sustains.
5. Love is a verb, not a noun. Most people report that one of the important reasons they chose to get married was that they were ‘in love’ with their spouse. They had deep feelings of admiration and affection for each other. Feelings, however, will wax and wane. There will be times in a marriage when these feelings are very weak, or altogether missing. Some men and women, faced with these weakened feelings, will then ask “Why should I stay married if I don’t love my husband/wife any longer?” Recognize instead that love involves more than feelings. That at its heart love is a commitment to do what is best for another, and that this commitment then needs to be expressed in daily actions that are supportive, affirming and respectful.

(Source: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/marriage )

The purpose of this message is more for educating me to ensure my marriage is successful. I will be happy if younger ones can pick up some clues and make theirs happier and successful.

About what should elders do to support younger ones have successful marriages, let me search some words of wisdom.

Comments are welcome, as always.